There's a pretty good chance this writing thing will never pay the bills, so I keep a day job. If both of those options fall through completely, I believe that I've identified my next career choice. It is a unique and specialized position, but one that I think the world is crying out for. I want to become an unnecessary quotation mark eliminator.
Perhaps a few examples will help explain what I mean. The idea came to me recently on a stroll through a produce aisle. A bin of apples declared: McIntosh "Apples" "Fresh!" What are they insinuating? Are they really apples, or are they "apples" (nudge, nudge)?
Could they be a mystery fruit? Lemons painted red? And how the heck am I supposed to interpret "fresh"? Are they really a month old? Were they recovered from a Pharaoh's tomb in Egypt? What are they trying to tell me?
This isn't the first time I've seen unintended irony in homemade signage. For example, I spied an ad in our local weekly junk paper for "Quality" Car Repair. This annoyed me, which is problematic because you've probably already figured out that I tend to obsess on the mundane. Now I'm seeing unnecessary quotation marks everywhere.
A sign outside a convenience store mocks me with "Camel" "Cigarettes" "On Sale". What do they mean by writing it that way? Are they selling actual bactrian camels? Dromedaries with a fake second hump? Do they even sell cigarettes? If so, are they really marked up in price?
The annual Christmas letters have been arriving in the mail. My cousin provided an update on her children, who are now "8" and "11". C'mon now, how old are they, really? Why put quote marks around their ages? Are they smuggled midgets dressed as children in a scheme to rob banks (a la Loony Toons)?
My aunt and uncle write in their letter that they're going to visit their "grandchildren" in "Texas."
Quotation marks, when used a certain way, can change the meaning of anything by 180 degrees. Consider the differences between working from home and "working from home." The first meaning - rarely used - is literal. The other is often spoken with the prerequisite air quote finger gesture and generally means shopping, laundry, or lawn mowing.
I always interpret unnecessary quotes as implied winks. Based on this theory, I posit that my aunt and uncle are secretly drug mules who also dabble in human trafficking.
Then there was my stop at GNC to peruse their assortment of non-FDA approved horse amphetamines, rhino hoof extracts, and low-grade beaver tranquilizers. One 55-gallon drum of maxmegaturboextreme protein powder listed the price, with "BOGO" written beneath it.
I'll argue that the average (straight) guy knows less about shopping than any woman (of any persuasion) knows about fantasy football. I plopped the half-barrel of elixir on the counter, and the dude at the register grunted something to me about it being "BOGO" (he even used air quotes for me).
Yeah? What does that mean? Buy one/get one, he explained. No shit, jackwagon. I'm buying one. Ergo, I fully intend to get one. Then, I'll walk right out the door with it under my arm and be on my way, thank you very much and good day, sir.
So...are you telling me that if I buy one, I get another one free? No, he said, I wasn't entitled to a second one. Get a second one half off? Nope. I guess I have to admit that I have no idea what in the world that term even means, then.
Why did he bring up "BOGO" if he couldn't explain what it meant? Maybe he was hoping that I knew. Or was I missing some implied cue that permitted me to buy one and then walk off with as many as I wanted to?
He was unable to answer what I was unable to understand. We were at a stalemate. Thus, we stood like two apes staring at one another in silence.
The mental chess of solving the riddle was giving me a headache. I just swiped my card and got the hell out of there. (On the plus side, I am currently growing a mane and have a strong desire to build dams and have my pelt made into a hat, so it must be pretty good stuff).
Is it "too much" to "ask" "people" to "learn the rules" of "grammar"? I don't mean that everyone has to become a "grammar Nazi" or anything. But think back to "third grade" when we learned "phonics" and reflect on the fact that most people "read" "books" during their "lives." Doesn't it seem "obvious" that "random" quotation marks aren't "normally" "littered" throughout the "body" of most works of "literature?"
I know, I know. I have "issues." But I "think" I'm right about this being a "scourge" that needs to be "eradicated" from our lives. I'll "fight the good fight" and will report back on my "progress."
Have a "nice" day.
