Since it is a new year, I wanted to keep things light. 'Cuz you know, I'm always so serious. Rather than write some 900 word essay obsessing on minutiae (per usual), I thought I'd simply share some gifts that I've been fortunate to receive. You see, I've overheard some damned funny things at work. I've been meticulously keeping a list of them.
The following are an interesting assortment of mangled malapropisms and mixed metaphors uttered by people who, believe it or not, were employed.
I can't believe I haven't posted these sooner. You can't write material like this.
You may even consider adding a few of these to your vernacular. Or not. Just sit back, unplug your brain, and enjoy:
- Either way you cut it, it's a 50/50 street.
- I don't want to steal anyone's parade here...
- Whatever we do, make sure we don't build a deck of cards.
- What do we tell a guy who just walked in off a cliff?
- I'm holding a knife to his throat, and I'm just waiting for him to pull the trigger.
- That guy could talk the meat off a dog wagon.
- That really puts a knife in my wrench.
- They're using this as an escape goat.
- He walks like he's got a bug up his craw.
- Half the time he takes my side, the other half he contradicts me. The rest of the time, he does whatever the hell he feels like.
- Even a flying squirrel can find a nut.
- I wasn't born at night!
- He couldn't fall out of a canoe with both hands in the water.
- I was all over that like white on white.
- Boo hoo. They're just crying over sour grapes.
- It just feels like we're swimming uphill.
- He needs to pull himself up by his own two feet.
- When we were kids, we made periscopes out of Ruffles cans.
- No habla Mexican, dumbass.
- I pinned his ears back in the corner and really let him have it!
- We gotta just suck it up this time and paint the piper.
- Everyone has a few black sheep in their closet.
- Look at him smirk. He looks like the guy that ate the cat.
- I can see through him like the back of my hand.
- (Voicemail greeting) "Hello. You've reached the voicebox of..."
- I know everyone's been burning the candle at either end.
- That's shooting a whole new kettle of fish.
- I think he's trying to pull a fast lane on us.
- Let's tee it up and knock one out of the park.
- Management is like a juggling art.
- He's leading lambs to the market.
- It's time to buckle down. Let's buckle up and do this!
- How can he say that and look himself in the eyes?
