I have a theory. Actually, I have lots of theories. (e.g., there is a direct correlation between a software developer's technical ability and their inability to judge proper pantleg length. The better the code, the more prepared they are for a flood.)
But my latest theory has nothing to do with that. As I was thumbing through a bird book (because that's what all the cool guys are doing these days), I discovered a startling trend. It seems that there is a relationship between the name of a bird and the forbidden desires of the dude who discovered and named it.
Also, they should probably stock birdwatching materials in the 'Erotica' section at the local bookstore.
If you don't believe me, simply leaf through any field identification guide and see if you arrive at the same conclusion. It is reasonable to ascertain that something inspired the birdwatchers to pick each specific name, right? I posit that each bird was named based on whatever was on a person's mind at the time of the discovery.
The Cardinal makes sense to me. The glorious red bird was espied, and visions of papal counsel clad in crimson robes must have popped to mind immediately. This birdwatcher was probably very content in his life, and didn't lack for female affection.
Compare that fella against the discoverer of the elegantly named Bushtit. I have an active imagination, but from the picture I can very honestly say that I just don't see any resemblance to either.
Rather, I envision a guy sitting alone in the woods - bored and lonely as can be - wondering what the hell he's gotten himself into...and dreaming of what he'd rather be scoping out.
What? You think I'm wrong about this? Okay, I'll continue down this path and you be the judge.
How do you explain that someone saw a bird and was inspired to call it the Great Tit? I saw a photo of one. I think he needs to adjust his standards a bit. That name is hyperbole and then some.
Perhaps the discoverer of the Wrentit had just walked out of a strip club? (get it, 'rent tit'? That's a word play; pay attention folks.) That's likely where he got a wicked case of Hoary Redpoll. At least that sounds like a venereal disease to my ear.
During the pioneer days, laser hair removal was definitely out of the question. Heck, forget having depilatories or razors. One guy, possibly during a fit of nostalgia, let his mind wander back to his country home and the Fluffy-backed Tit Babbler he left behind to chase his dreams.
There were bound to be your garden variety whack-jobs back in the day, too. I don't even want to know how the Tufted Titmouse and the Red-footed Boobie came to be. They sound a little too Picasso for me. Lay off the peyote, Pablo.
There are both a Northern Screamer and a Southern Screamer. C'mon, really? Whatever, Hercules. Keep dreaming, dude. You're a freakin' birdwatcher, not Dirk Diggler. And what about the Ruby-throated Hummingbird? (There's a Monica Lewinsky reference waiting to be exploited with that one, but that would be so lame. I won't stoop that low. That's what she said.)
Now, I can totally understand how woodpecker got its name. Totally. It is very literal. Besides, 'timberdoinker' or 'dildobird' don't really sound any better. However, I would like an explanation on the woodcock. You'd think that they'd be related, but they're not. There is a huge difference between a woodpecker and a woodcock. Who knew? They're nothing alike at all.
Perhaps I am being a bit old-fashioned in my assumption that lustful men named all these different species. While most of the evidence seems to support my theory, there are exceptions. It isn't unreasonable to assume that a lonely lady was first responsible for stumbling upon and naming the Morepork.
And I'm going solely on a hunch here, but I presume that the Bearded Mountaineer might have been first located on the slopes of Brokeback Mountain. Again, it's just a hunch.
Feel free to accuse me of blind patriotism, but my favorite bird name has to be the American Swallow. Hell, yeah! You think you're so great, France? Take THAT!
And what a brilliant marketing campaign to lure in starry-eyed immigrants. No wonder millions of frenzied men flooded into America during the 1800's.
They called it the American dream.
