There's something fascinating to me about that bulletin board at the grocery store. If I were an anthropologist (for the record, I am not), it would be the first place that I'd go to study the local sub-culture.
The posting system at Piggly Wiggly is like a redneck Craigslist. There, one can find gemlike offers for private Bible lessons...for a fee, of course. I'm sure that God looks kindly upon those who seek personal profit from his words. WWJD? I'm pretty sure he WPTB (wouldn't pull that baloney).
You can learn whose pet had an unexpected litter of little kittens or puppies, who can deliver firewood, and educate yourself on options for quitting your day job and earning "Between $30,000 - $150,000 per year!!!" from the comfort of you home.
Sure, I'd like to lose 30 lbs in 21 days. That sounds perfectly safe and healthy. Sign me up. Banjo lessons? Heck, yeah! You know, I have been looking all over the place for a 1976 Winnebago that 'needs work'. Let me just grab that little tab of paper and give these folks a jingle.
I applaud the entrepreneurial spirit of the folks who use photocopied Polaroids, swirly fonts, and a dizzying array of alternately colored block letters to create their word processed masterpieces. The care they put into writing the flyer - then snipping the cowgirl coatsleeve fringes at the bottom - is worthy of recognition.
If I could be so bold, though, there are a few tidbits of business advice that I'd like to offer. Look, I know that sometimes it's a pain to maintain multiple e-mail addresses. However, if you are still using an account you set up in high school to conduct your business as an adult, perhaps you should reconsider.
I might be more willing to consider your qualifications and generous offer to provide affordable in-home childcare if I had a little more confidence that you'd be the appropriate role model for my child.
Yes, [email protected], I'm talking to you. I trust from your handle that at one time, the boys at bartime found you hotter than the pink camo undie aisle at Fleet Farm. However, you just gotta know your potential customer base.
Mommy doesn't want a babysitter that sounds like an escort. Daddy is more likely to want an escort dressed up like a babysitter. Either way, you've missed your target market, darlin'.
Misspellings aren't a good idea when hawking your wares, either. I once had my eye on a pair of late-model Polaris 'sownmobiles' that a fella named Squig was offering. But I didn't think it was a good idea to enter into a transaction with someone who found 'snow' too difficult to spell.
And I didn't want to make a check out to a guy named Squig.
(Blog Intermission/Confession: I have a real hang-up about spelling. I think it stems from a valentine I got in 8th grade from a girl who told me that I was a real "sweatheart." Gross. She might as well have stuck a booger to it before handing it to me. Alas, a fledgling romance never took flight.)
There is something primative and seductive about making a good deal. One ad offered up 3 pairs of crutches (with a photo to authenticate their existence), but listed no price. It only gave a tease..."Make An Offer."
Is there a Kelly Blue Book equivalent available for adequately valuing used crutches? What model year are they? Is there rust? How many miles are on them? What were the underarm hygiene habits of the prior crutcher? (I made that last word up)
The most puzzling flyer that I saw was for a house. It didn't have any photos, but gave a fairly professional looking fact sheet regarding square footage, acreage, taxes, average utility bills, etc.
The line I appreciated most was at the bottom: "Can be seen at 123 Main Street". That was a relief. I'd sure hate to accidentally make an offer on a house without knowing what it looked like or where it was located. Buying it sight unseen would be like going on a blind date with a house.
(Blog Intermission 2: What do you call it when you set up two visually impaired friends on a date? For them, isn't every date technically a blind date? Should it be called a 'feel 'em up'? I just assume that it's socially acceptible for the blind to grope each other like frenzied octopi up right out of the chute so they can determine if there's an attraction.
How much of an ego blow would it be to be told you're not good looking by someone who has no real basis for comparison? Meaning that while I think Susan Boyle has one hell of a voice, I would probably appreciate her A LOT more if I was blind. What? Sometimes the things you see can blind your judgment. How ironic. These are the things I wonder about when I'm not working toward world peace.)
I'll end this discourse with a few words of advice. Research your local bulletin board thoroughly before buying anything. If you form a strong opinion that it's full of flyers from crackerjacks who are looking to sell quackery (or have been court-ordered to wean themselves of hoarding habits), you're probably right.
Don't forget that what is one person's trash is another person's treasure. Since people rarely get rid of treasure, odds are that they're selling their trash. That's a tip you can take to the bank.
Have the strength to walk away from an irresistible set of hand crocheted pillow cases, regardless of how much you 'need' them. Be accountable for your decisions.
The Latin phrase 'caveat emptor' roughly translates to "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't teach it to fish." Or is it "let the buyer beware"?
Whatever. Same difference.
