I'm not sure what exactly it is about an apple that inspires laziness. For example, if you think about it there aren't many foods that are easier to eat than an apple. It is nicely sized to fit in most hands, and overall most people find it to be a tidy fruit with no muss and very little fuss.
So I was looking at some applesauce the other day and I had to ask myself a question. Why? Why did someone feel compelled to invent the stuff? Was an apple just too tricky? Was there a dental weakness that made the millimeter-thick skin frustratingly impenetrable? Or was it a terrible lack of hand-eye coordination that repeatedly led to bitten fingers that provided the spark of inspiration?
Maybe it is just me, but I envision a guy at his tool bench (with heavily bandaged fingers and mangled teeth) devising a scheme to conquer the riddle of the McIntosh. "Eureka! I shall eat it with spoon!" With one swift stroke of a mallet, applesauce was born.
I would think that pear sauce would be more popular. Pears are quite tasty, but decidedly more awkward to eat than an apple. And while I'm exploring the topic, pineapple sauce seems like a product that the market is dying for. It's like cracking a safe getting at the good stuff in one of those suckers.
And don’t get me started on the kiwi. You have to go through hell to get to heaven on them. I’m guessing that a jar of kiwi sauce would practically sell itself.
A potato and an apple have many of the same characteristics. The succulent white treasure is surrounded by that dastardly peel. Granted, you have to cook a potato if you want something less than gross.
And sure, you could eat a potato raw, apple-style, but you would also receive a one-way ticket to Weirdoville if anyone saw you doing so. A baked potato is fine, but it requires a bit of work and perhaps up to two eating utensils depending on the dexterity of the diner.
Voila - mashed potatoes. Once again, here is a food that can be consumed with minimal effort and a single dining instrument. It has a good name, too. I think sauce generally lends itself to fruits. If mashed potatoes were called potato sauce, I don't think they would have quite the same caché.
Pizza sauce is not at all what it claims to. What a disappointment. Let’s face it – pizza can get messy. But tell me that people wouldn’t sip on a mug of warm pizza while enjoying a leisurely drive if they could. Pizza Hut could add a drive-thru and everything.
Look, I’m more of an idea guy. This means that while I like to think of ideas, I have no intention of following through on them. I prefer that someone else does the heavy lifting.
But somewhere out there, there must be an enterprising entrepreneur willing to throw some hunks of crust, cheese, spicy meats and olives into the batch to see what the result is. It is all about justice to me. Make the contents match the label.
At least the folks in the applesauce industry are honest.
